ENTRY 6: Nothing to do with weight.

This entry has nothing to do with weight. It has everything to do with my life though. My life has forever changed. The world is a little more empty than it was when I went to bed last night. My grandfather has left us.

My grandfather was one of my favorite people growing up. Why? Because he never told me no. One of my second favorite people growing up, my dad. Why? Because he also rarely told me no. I've never liked that word and, I still loath it! As a matter of fact I once told my mom, who did tell me no, "Don't say me no!"

I was the first grandchild on my Dad's side. I pretty much got away with anything. Ok, I did get away with anything. Most of my memories of my grandpa revolve around food. Every Thanksgiving grandpa made brown sugar glazed carrots which I now make every Thanksgiving. He taught me how to cook them. We would stop at Cracker Barrel every time we headed out to the camp grounds and once we got there we cook around the campfire. My number one favorite memory of my grandpa was his cheese sandwiches. This was the recipe:

White Bread
Miracle Whip - but never scrape the leftover Miracle Whip off the knife on to the rim of the container!!
Lettuce from the special green Tupperware container
American Cheese from the Deli counter
*Dad always made sure to triangle the sandwich and put the chips in the middle of the two halves.

One bag of Regular Lays

One Can of Coca Cola

It doesn't count if you don't follow the recipe exactly! This is and will always be my go to comfort!!

There is a famous and slightly over used phrase that says, "You don't know what you got till it's gone." I always knew I loved my grandpa but I'm not sure I knew how much until now. Grandpa is the first dear person in my life that I have lost. No, I didn't call him everyday and I didn't get to see him much since I moved to Seattle but I always knew he was there. I knew that if I called he would answer the phone. I knew that any time there was a family function he would be there to support me. He even came to my baby shower this summer when I came back to Chicago. Now that security is gone. I know that when I go to Grandma's he will not be there to answer the door and he will not be there to walk me out to the door. My grandpa was a man of few words. Most of the time I just liked to sit by him.

This week I watched how being strong willed can be a double edged sword. It got grandpa where he was in life by never giving up through his trials but I also watched he fought death and refused to get up. Just yesterday he tried get out of bed. He could barely talk but as he pulled his cancer ridden body up off the bed he said, "I need to get out of here. I want to go home." He couldn't have walked if he tried. It was terrible to watch because you knew that in his mind he was still 25 and had so much he wanted to live to see but his poor body just couldn't keep going anymore. It had done all it could and was checking out. I watched as death overwhelmed and consumed a the body of a person who did not want to go. Death is an ugly thing that doesn't care about your race, gender or religion. It is merciless and heartless.

I've heard people around me say a lot that, "He's happy now. He's not in pain. He's gone to a better place where you'll see him again." I think that people say that to medicate the pain they feel. If we were all honest with ourselves we don't know what REALLY happens after death. If we all knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was a Heaven and we were going there no one would be afraid of death. There would be no need for faith. Faith is simply belief that is not based on proof. My Grandpa loved God and I know for a fact that if there is definitely a Heaven after death that Grandpa IS there. I hurt for grandpa because I know he was scared. He always struggled with his faith. He believed in God but he wasn't sure God believed in him.

I struggle with Grandpas death because I know he fought it out of fear and sadness. Had he felt complete and happy looking back on his life I would probably be ok but I will always remember his death as restless. I know they say time heals and I hope that's true as we learn to live with a new sense of "normal".



Dad and Grandpa

ENTRY 5: A one of a kind art piece

Ok, so I'm a little behind. Last Tuesday I made it to the gym! Yep, I climbed the wall and conquered it! It was awesome!! My goal was to do a light walk on the elliptical. Nothing big, no expectations means no disappointments. I end up running 2.1 miles with a 10 warm up and a 5 minute cool down to equal a total of 30 minutes. I did a VERY quick set of chest presses, 5 sets of 10 and biked for 2+ miles. I felt great and best of all I wasn't even achy and sore the next day! It was the best! All I could think of was Jace, and how I was being a healthy example to him! It felt amazing!! I can't wait to get back. Unfortunately, it has been a busy week and I haven't made it back but I am shooting for tomorrow!!

Here's some of my workout tunes among MANY more:
Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
This is why I'm hot - Mims
Snap yo fingers - Lil Jon
LoveGame - Lady Gaga
Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
Imma be - Black Eyed Peas
Sweet Dreams - Beyonce
Run this Town - Jay-Z
Crank that - Soulja Boy
Walk it out - Unk
Evanescence
P.O.D.
One Time -Justin Bieber
Whatcha Say - Jason Derulo

As I was running I was thinking of a terrible story I heard. A model and former Miss Argentina died from a surgery to have butt implants put in. It was so sad. She was so beautiful as she was.


It got me to thinking about my what I want to look like. I don't have a number in mind that I am working toward. I'm not shooting to see 125 on the scale. As a matter of fact, I don't even own a scale. I know roughly what I weight and that is good enough for me. I tend to obsess over numbers, whether they're about money or weight, I obsess! I am working toward a feeling. That is more important to me than a number. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes and in my body. That is my goal.

As for that model, it reminded me that God made us all unique even if that means we're not all 6'5 120 pounds. I know that God did not make me to be 60 ponds overweight but I also am realistic and content enough to know that I will never look like a Victoria's Secret model. At some point we have to draw a line and separate fiction from reality. Don't misinterpret what I'm saying though. I have nothing against people who have cosmetic surgery. I have quite a few friends who have it done and if I could afford it I'd be under the knife right now rather than blogging! For a lot of us though, like me, that is not an option and I need to be ok with that.

Ephesians 2:10 of the New Living Translation Bible says, "We are God's masterpiece.." I have to remind myself that when I look into the mirror and put myself down that I am putting God and His talent down. I am God's masterpiece and like any fine art it should be appreciated not put down. I have not been taking care of myself like I should, like a good curator at the Louvre would take care of the Mona Lisa. Like any good piece of art it must be cared for and protected. That is what I am attempting to do. I am cleaning up a piece of fine art and learning to preserve it a safe and healthy environment just as you would do for a one of a kind Monet or VanGough.

ENTRY 4: One in the same

Tonight so my thoughts are racing through my head it's like standing in the median of a busy highway. To start, I am finding that a lot of women are reading this blog and receiving something from it. That's great! This was never my intention but I am so glad people know they are not alone. Maybe it's not weight you struggle with. Maybe it's anger, jealousy, trying to keep up with the jones or gossip. Whatever it is we all have our personal struggles, many, more than one, but it's good to know that no matter what the struggle is, it's so much better to go at it with someone else. So, thanks for walking through this struggle with me! If you have a struggle find a good friend to go through it with and if you can't find one let me know, I always have room for one more friend!!

When I began writing this blog it was to be 100% about my weight struggles but I am finding that it would be impossible to not share things that are going on in my life as life and weight are one in the same for me. There are some things I obviously can't write about as it would not be fair for me to put other people's business on the internet for the whole world to read but I'll share what I can.

The Holidays seem to come with mixed reviews by all. Some people LOVE them. They look forward to buying presents, eating good food and spending time with their beloved family. For others the Holidays are a time of pain and depression. Not looking forward to them but to their end. It's ok if you're the latter. I would fall somewhere into the middle this year. Again, for some reasons I can't write about but also because this will be my last Christmas with my wonderful grandfather. This is so incredibly hard for me and my family and being 2000 miles from home has made it even harder. It is probably the only time since I moved to Seattle that I've struggled with being away from home. Even having my first baby here was not as hard. Combined with the AMAZING food and other circumstances in life this weight issue feels like a giant I can NEVER tackle.

I felt a deep pain this weekend. It was Jace's first Thanksgiving and we snapped pictures left and right. We had a blast making a HUGE dinner and chillin' just the three of us. After everything was done and my baby was in bed for the night I sat down to load up all the pictures and edit them. I got to the pictures Matt snapped of Jace and me. I couldn't stop myself. I flipped through deleting everyone of them that I was in or somehow cropping myself out. All I could think was, "If I don't get this figured out soon my son won't have any pictures of me and him together as a baby." When I look at him I know that he won't remember these days. I have a limited time span to figure all these food and weight issues before his long term memory kicks in.

In my first entry I had written about how I wanted to be healthy for Jace and teach him how to be healthy. I remembered this today as Jace was laying next to the bright red case of Christmas coke staring at it. I don't want him to even know what the stuff in that case tastes like. He had such a rough beginning to life and now that he's healthy I want him to stay that way! There's something oddly comforting about that fat Santa on the coke cans or the red and white snowflake cups at Starbucks. I wish that feeling had a name. For today we'll call them the fuzzies. My struggle with weight is that those "fuzzies" are a comfort in an uncertain, harsh and scary world.

The past two and a half years have been VERY rough for Matt and I. The best thing that happened to us was coming to EastLake. I was a lot thinner 3 years ago, about 60lbs thinner to be exact! The problem is that through all our hardships food brought the temporary "fuzzy" feeling that got me through but now it has bit me in the butt. I thought it was helping me get my mind off things and now I have an even bigger problem.

Along with exercising I have to learn that food, even though it makes me comforted temporarily, will make me even more miserable in the end. I read something today I thought I would share:

The Problem: You've designed your lifestyle around food and make it one of your top priorities.

The Answer: Change your lifestyle to include activities that don't revolve around food. Exercise, for example, is one way to get a similar high as you would from eating sugar.

Now, I'm not sure that exercise will give me the same high as sugar, not right now at least, but we'll see in the long term. I end today with a quote from the world's greatest visionary, dreamer, optimist and doer, Walt Disney. He says: "All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." This is my dream, To be healthy and happy on the inside and out.



Happy Holidays!

Entry 3: Eureka!!

I was having a great day today! Washed my hair threw on some make up and out the door Jace and I went to meet up with my girlfriends. All of us have had babies within the past 3 months. We grabbed some lunch, then coffee and off to do some shopping. I was having a blast celebrating the highs and commiserating in the lows of motherhood when all of sudden I saw it. I couldn't figure out what to do. Stare or look away. I was grossed out but at the same time confused. It was my reflection in a full length mirror. I avoid those stupid things like the plague!

My girlfriends were nursing, which P.S. their nice and slender which made this all the harder, so I'm sure they didn't notice my sudden silence since they were preoccupied.

All I could think was, "When the heck did that happen?" So, yes, I've struggled with my weight my whole life but I think I should clarify. I was never blubbery growing up, I was just never a size 2. But now, uh, well things are a different story. I have a constant ache inside at the discontent I feel toward myself. I don't look in mirrors, I avoid my reflection in windows and NEVER buy clothes unless I literally have nothing to wear.

So to make myself feel better I make a brilliant choice. I turn on the finale of the biggest loser and listen to how all you have to do is make a choice to lose weight and be healthy. Believe it, be it! That is a bunch of....I'll let you fill in the blank. I can see my gym from my apartment but you would think I have to climb the Berlin Wall to get to it. Seriously! I haven't been once. Why? Because I don't want anyone to see me. "Oh how cute. The chubby girl is trying at least." UGH! It seems like you have to be thin already to go to the gym! Where's the fat people gym. That's the one I want to go to!

There is only one thing I can do numb the constant pain, sing. It's the one thing I will toot my own horn about. I grew up in a traveling bluegrass band family. It was the best! Every weekend we packed up the instruments and camper and headed to a new camp ground! My grandpa and dad played guitar, my uncle a kick butt banjo, and other friends played instruments such as the stand up bass, fiddle and so on. Nothing makes me happier than listening to music and/or singing. It's when I am reminded that I am God's creation and I am special, it's when I feel most complete. So there was my Eureka moment. I figured out what makes me happy when I am sad. When I don't feel good enough I sing. It reminds that I am beautiful and I can make God and myself smile!

Currently there are two bands/CDs acting as my current pain reliever of this whole weight struggle:

ANY Evanescence CD

Eastlake THREE CD - It's our church's new worship album - If you don't have it, BUY IT, no, seriously,: http://www.eastlakecc.com/stuff


**P.S. After all recording costs are paid off all sale proceeds go to missions. The church and band does not gain any money from the sale of this CD.**


Needless to say, I haven't done jack squat since I started this blog. I was suddenly inspired to go run tonight then realized tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Well, wouldn't that be pointless! Inspiration suddenly, just at the wrong time! Besides, I got 4 hours of sleep and walked the mall for four hours. That has to count for something!!

So, I'm going to give this another go but I'm going to bite off a smaller piece this time (no pun intended). Instead of shooting to be 130 pounds we'll shot for just going for a light walk on the treadmill Monday. I'll write Monday to let you know what happens!

UPDATE!

This sucks! Learning how to balance life plus weight loss...*SIGH* This is really hard!

Entry 2: The hardest thing I've ever done.

There are some things that confuse me in life. For example, why people put Jesus stickers on their car then cut me off on the 405, why people dye their hair pink and why they sell underwear at Goodwill. One of the most confusing things to me is why I can't make healthy food choices.

I've done a lot of hard things in my life. The hardest thing I did was leave everything I ever knew in Chicago almost two years ago to move to a place where I knew nobody. All of mine and Matt's family is within 20 minutes of each other. Nobody has left the area. We lived in a comfortable little bubble till God called us a into a different direction. It was so hard to move to Seattle but it is truly the best thing that has happened to Matt and I. We are so happy!!

Why I can't eat healthy boggles my mind. Seriously, it's not nearly as hard to put down the donut and eat an apple as it was to move across the country! My brain just doesn't seem to get the message though! This is something I will have to definitely continue working on!

There are a lot of things going on right now in my life! The most recent being our house in Illinois. It's really hard to stay focused on eating right and exercising while there are so many distractions. That was the point of my blog though. Something to pull help pull my goals back into focus when I get off track!

Thanks to all the wonderful help and encouragement everyone has been! It's good to have such good friends! Till next time!

Entry One: Why did God design us to eat?

Why did God design us to eat? I mean, lots of things run on energy. For example, toys run on batteries, cars run on gas and my Mac runs on the electric provided by the electric company. What do all these things have in common? They can function at full power without having to consume any calories. They don't have to worry about calories in OR out! Why couldn't God design us to be recharged by the sun or by holding hands with the person you love? I have come to the conclusion that this will be my biggest struggle in may weight loss adventure.

As I sit here typing I have 4 loaves of pumpkin bread in the oven and a new case of regular Coke sitting on the floor. Ok, 3 of the loaves are for other people and the fourth is for Matt but either way you slice it, I love food! I have always loved food! When you're little you think about what you want to be when you grow up. Some kids want to be a teacher, a doctor,or a police officer. I wanted to be a chef! I wanted to work on the Disney Cruise preparing food, traveling and meeting all kinds of new people. That didn't work out for a number of reasons. I guess life happened while I was making plans for it.

Growing up my family wasn't exactly health conscious but boy, my mom could cook! My Dad too! He was famous for his biscuits and gravy! I never learned about portion control either. We just ate till we were full. Thanksgiving was the best! We would go to Indiana every year and get together with all my great aunts and uncles. They came from the old southern cooking school where everything was made from scratch. One word, UNREAL! We would cook all day then have a huge dinner every night complete with chocolate pies, donuts and cookies. After we ate dinner we would hang around the table and talk which only lead to more eating as our stomachs would gradually shrink to a normal size and we could pack it in again. Those were the best memories I have of growing up.

So, on this adventure I'm learning that food and portion control will be my biggest battle. There is a very strong emotional attachment to comfort food. I suppose that is why we call it comfort food. It reminds of home and happy times. I want to help me and my new family attach home and happy times to healthy foods. By accomplishing this for myself I will experience happier times ahead as I accomplish my goal... being happy to be me.

Here we go...

As I write this all I can think about is, "Why in the world would someone publicly write about their weight struggles for all the world to read about?!" Considering the chances that anyone is actually going to read this helps! Here goes my attempt at cheap therapy and hopefully success by humiliation.

I've struggled with my weight since I was about 10 years old. One day, around that age, my family announced we were headed to Disney World for vacation that year! I was so excited! Sure, I had been there before but I was too little to remember. I was always a goofy, super talkative, outgoing kid (contrary to the person most of you know now). I came into the living room one night, high on excitement, and grabbed my belly shaking it. Jokingly I said, "I have to lose all this weight before I go to Disney World!" I wholeheartedly expected my parents to laugh! Instead the room was kinda quite. I was confused. My Dad looked at me and said, "Wow, Crystal."

Now, it wasn't my Dad's fault, it was just the first time I guessed we all realized I wasn't a scrawny elementary kid anymore. From that day forward I never felt complete again. I remember going back to my room that night feeling confused, feeling different. I was sad. I remember thinking, "I'm a kid! I can't have weight problems."

Also around that time I was taken out of public school. I was "too talkative" my teachers always said. They wanted to put me on meds but my mom said no, she would teach me. There began my homeschooling years. Now I was alone all the time. Schooling took, at max, 4 hours a day which left me by myself. I had lost touch with most of my friends and my next sister was 7 years younger than me. I was left alone with my thoughts that slowly became depressing and sad as all I could do was think about how fat and hopeless I was. I would never be beautiful like the girls on TV.

It didn't help that I hated exercising! My idea of working out was hitting some softballs and then driving the golf cart around to pick them up! Even more than that though I hated eating healthy food! Growing up I spent alot of time with my grandparents. They were the best! We had fried apples, fried potatoes, brown sugar glazed carrots, coffee with TONS of cream and sugar, I'm sure you get the point. They weren't a good influence being from the south. Basically, if you handed them a healthy food they found a way to turn into a heart attack.

There was one good time weight wise growing up that I remember. I was 17 and the church's Junior Senior Banquet was coming up. It's a prom alternative when the youth group kids get dressed up and go to dinner then to six flags the next day. I REALLY liked this one guy that I wanted to go to Banquet with. I decided to ask him. I sent a pizza (go figure) to his work with JR/SR spelled in pepperoni and that night I filled his car with balloons that he had to pop that had a riddle with me asking him to banquet in it. I was so nervous all night! He called me after church and said he would go with me! I was so excited! I went out and bought a beautiful dress with all the matching jewelry! I couldn't wait! 2 weeks before the big night he called at 11PM and told me he wasn't going and that he doesn't even like the banquet.

I had never felt so sad and embarrassed in my life! This began a new phase in my teenage years. I couldn't eat and the only way I could deal with the rejection was to keep my mind off of it. So I began exercising 3 hours a day. I also started tanning to give me a reason to get out of the house. In one month I had lost 30 pounds. I had also started taking an ephedrine supplement that is now illegal. In 6 weeks I had gone from 150lbs to 126lbs. I was tanned and I had whitened my teeth. I was looking very nice and hadn't even realized. I knew I had lost weight. I felt like I was finally the size "everyone" thought I should be. I remember thinking to myself though that my insides didn't feel any different. Still, I felt pretty good about myself.

I was still angry at men in general for what my crush did to me when who walks into my life? My husband to be! I did NOT like him when I first saw him. He walked to close and talked mean to the kids. Only to find out he wanted to talk to me and he knew the kids and was playing around with them. He ended up being amazing and 4 years, one Beagle and one baby later we are still loving each other, most of the time!

Matt has always accepted me at any size but I feel that he got gypped! I'm not the person I used to be in many ways, some good, some bad. All the bad reasons revolve around my discontent of my weight. I feel I could be such a better wife if I could just feel comfortable in my skin. Not only do I want be a better wife but I want to be a good example to my son and set him on a path to a life time of good self esteem.

Above all I just want to feel comfortable in my skin. I want to be to able to feel comfortable sitting in a room full of people not worried about how my clothes are hanging on me or if anything is bulging awkwardly. I want to be able to hug people without feeling like I'm going to swallow them in my fat! Eww, that's a gross picture! I want to be around for my son as long as possible and have all the energy I need to keep up with him as he grows.

So, here we go. Over the next year I am on a mission to lose weight in healthy and permanent way. I am supposed to lose a minimum of 50 pounds and max of 90 according to my doctor. I am going to blog about my struggles and successes in this battle hoping to accomplish my life long dream... being happy to be me.