ENTRY 4: One in the same

Tonight so my thoughts are racing through my head it's like standing in the median of a busy highway. To start, I am finding that a lot of women are reading this blog and receiving something from it. That's great! This was never my intention but I am so glad people know they are not alone. Maybe it's not weight you struggle with. Maybe it's anger, jealousy, trying to keep up with the jones or gossip. Whatever it is we all have our personal struggles, many, more than one, but it's good to know that no matter what the struggle is, it's so much better to go at it with someone else. So, thanks for walking through this struggle with me! If you have a struggle find a good friend to go through it with and if you can't find one let me know, I always have room for one more friend!!

When I began writing this blog it was to be 100% about my weight struggles but I am finding that it would be impossible to not share things that are going on in my life as life and weight are one in the same for me. There are some things I obviously can't write about as it would not be fair for me to put other people's business on the internet for the whole world to read but I'll share what I can.

The Holidays seem to come with mixed reviews by all. Some people LOVE them. They look forward to buying presents, eating good food and spending time with their beloved family. For others the Holidays are a time of pain and depression. Not looking forward to them but to their end. It's ok if you're the latter. I would fall somewhere into the middle this year. Again, for some reasons I can't write about but also because this will be my last Christmas with my wonderful grandfather. This is so incredibly hard for me and my family and being 2000 miles from home has made it even harder. It is probably the only time since I moved to Seattle that I've struggled with being away from home. Even having my first baby here was not as hard. Combined with the AMAZING food and other circumstances in life this weight issue feels like a giant I can NEVER tackle.

I felt a deep pain this weekend. It was Jace's first Thanksgiving and we snapped pictures left and right. We had a blast making a HUGE dinner and chillin' just the three of us. After everything was done and my baby was in bed for the night I sat down to load up all the pictures and edit them. I got to the pictures Matt snapped of Jace and me. I couldn't stop myself. I flipped through deleting everyone of them that I was in or somehow cropping myself out. All I could think was, "If I don't get this figured out soon my son won't have any pictures of me and him together as a baby." When I look at him I know that he won't remember these days. I have a limited time span to figure all these food and weight issues before his long term memory kicks in.

In my first entry I had written about how I wanted to be healthy for Jace and teach him how to be healthy. I remembered this today as Jace was laying next to the bright red case of Christmas coke staring at it. I don't want him to even know what the stuff in that case tastes like. He had such a rough beginning to life and now that he's healthy I want him to stay that way! There's something oddly comforting about that fat Santa on the coke cans or the red and white snowflake cups at Starbucks. I wish that feeling had a name. For today we'll call them the fuzzies. My struggle with weight is that those "fuzzies" are a comfort in an uncertain, harsh and scary world.

The past two and a half years have been VERY rough for Matt and I. The best thing that happened to us was coming to EastLake. I was a lot thinner 3 years ago, about 60lbs thinner to be exact! The problem is that through all our hardships food brought the temporary "fuzzy" feeling that got me through but now it has bit me in the butt. I thought it was helping me get my mind off things and now I have an even bigger problem.

Along with exercising I have to learn that food, even though it makes me comforted temporarily, will make me even more miserable in the end. I read something today I thought I would share:

The Problem: You've designed your lifestyle around food and make it one of your top priorities.

The Answer: Change your lifestyle to include activities that don't revolve around food. Exercise, for example, is one way to get a similar high as you would from eating sugar.

Now, I'm not sure that exercise will give me the same high as sugar, not right now at least, but we'll see in the long term. I end today with a quote from the world's greatest visionary, dreamer, optimist and doer, Walt Disney. He says: "All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." This is my dream, To be healthy and happy on the inside and out.



Happy Holidays!

Entry 3: Eureka!!

I was having a great day today! Washed my hair threw on some make up and out the door Jace and I went to meet up with my girlfriends. All of us have had babies within the past 3 months. We grabbed some lunch, then coffee and off to do some shopping. I was having a blast celebrating the highs and commiserating in the lows of motherhood when all of sudden I saw it. I couldn't figure out what to do. Stare or look away. I was grossed out but at the same time confused. It was my reflection in a full length mirror. I avoid those stupid things like the plague!

My girlfriends were nursing, which P.S. their nice and slender which made this all the harder, so I'm sure they didn't notice my sudden silence since they were preoccupied.

All I could think was, "When the heck did that happen?" So, yes, I've struggled with my weight my whole life but I think I should clarify. I was never blubbery growing up, I was just never a size 2. But now, uh, well things are a different story. I have a constant ache inside at the discontent I feel toward myself. I don't look in mirrors, I avoid my reflection in windows and NEVER buy clothes unless I literally have nothing to wear.

So to make myself feel better I make a brilliant choice. I turn on the finale of the biggest loser and listen to how all you have to do is make a choice to lose weight and be healthy. Believe it, be it! That is a bunch of....I'll let you fill in the blank. I can see my gym from my apartment but you would think I have to climb the Berlin Wall to get to it. Seriously! I haven't been once. Why? Because I don't want anyone to see me. "Oh how cute. The chubby girl is trying at least." UGH! It seems like you have to be thin already to go to the gym! Where's the fat people gym. That's the one I want to go to!

There is only one thing I can do numb the constant pain, sing. It's the one thing I will toot my own horn about. I grew up in a traveling bluegrass band family. It was the best! Every weekend we packed up the instruments and camper and headed to a new camp ground! My grandpa and dad played guitar, my uncle a kick butt banjo, and other friends played instruments such as the stand up bass, fiddle and so on. Nothing makes me happier than listening to music and/or singing. It's when I am reminded that I am God's creation and I am special, it's when I feel most complete. So there was my Eureka moment. I figured out what makes me happy when I am sad. When I don't feel good enough I sing. It reminds that I am beautiful and I can make God and myself smile!

Currently there are two bands/CDs acting as my current pain reliever of this whole weight struggle:

ANY Evanescence CD

Eastlake THREE CD - It's our church's new worship album - If you don't have it, BUY IT, no, seriously,: http://www.eastlakecc.com/stuff


**P.S. After all recording costs are paid off all sale proceeds go to missions. The church and band does not gain any money from the sale of this CD.**


Needless to say, I haven't done jack squat since I started this blog. I was suddenly inspired to go run tonight then realized tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Well, wouldn't that be pointless! Inspiration suddenly, just at the wrong time! Besides, I got 4 hours of sleep and walked the mall for four hours. That has to count for something!!

So, I'm going to give this another go but I'm going to bite off a smaller piece this time (no pun intended). Instead of shooting to be 130 pounds we'll shot for just going for a light walk on the treadmill Monday. I'll write Monday to let you know what happens!

UPDATE!

This sucks! Learning how to balance life plus weight loss...*SIGH* This is really hard!

Entry 2: The hardest thing I've ever done.

There are some things that confuse me in life. For example, why people put Jesus stickers on their car then cut me off on the 405, why people dye their hair pink and why they sell underwear at Goodwill. One of the most confusing things to me is why I can't make healthy food choices.

I've done a lot of hard things in my life. The hardest thing I did was leave everything I ever knew in Chicago almost two years ago to move to a place where I knew nobody. All of mine and Matt's family is within 20 minutes of each other. Nobody has left the area. We lived in a comfortable little bubble till God called us a into a different direction. It was so hard to move to Seattle but it is truly the best thing that has happened to Matt and I. We are so happy!!

Why I can't eat healthy boggles my mind. Seriously, it's not nearly as hard to put down the donut and eat an apple as it was to move across the country! My brain just doesn't seem to get the message though! This is something I will have to definitely continue working on!

There are a lot of things going on right now in my life! The most recent being our house in Illinois. It's really hard to stay focused on eating right and exercising while there are so many distractions. That was the point of my blog though. Something to pull help pull my goals back into focus when I get off track!

Thanks to all the wonderful help and encouragement everyone has been! It's good to have such good friends! Till next time!