ENTRY 4: One in the same

Tonight so my thoughts are racing through my head it's like standing in the median of a busy highway. To start, I am finding that a lot of women are reading this blog and receiving something from it. That's great! This was never my intention but I am so glad people know they are not alone. Maybe it's not weight you struggle with. Maybe it's anger, jealousy, trying to keep up with the jones or gossip. Whatever it is we all have our personal struggles, many, more than one, but it's good to know that no matter what the struggle is, it's so much better to go at it with someone else. So, thanks for walking through this struggle with me! If you have a struggle find a good friend to go through it with and if you can't find one let me know, I always have room for one more friend!!

When I began writing this blog it was to be 100% about my weight struggles but I am finding that it would be impossible to not share things that are going on in my life as life and weight are one in the same for me. There are some things I obviously can't write about as it would not be fair for me to put other people's business on the internet for the whole world to read but I'll share what I can.

The Holidays seem to come with mixed reviews by all. Some people LOVE them. They look forward to buying presents, eating good food and spending time with their beloved family. For others the Holidays are a time of pain and depression. Not looking forward to them but to their end. It's ok if you're the latter. I would fall somewhere into the middle this year. Again, for some reasons I can't write about but also because this will be my last Christmas with my wonderful grandfather. This is so incredibly hard for me and my family and being 2000 miles from home has made it even harder. It is probably the only time since I moved to Seattle that I've struggled with being away from home. Even having my first baby here was not as hard. Combined with the AMAZING food and other circumstances in life this weight issue feels like a giant I can NEVER tackle.

I felt a deep pain this weekend. It was Jace's first Thanksgiving and we snapped pictures left and right. We had a blast making a HUGE dinner and chillin' just the three of us. After everything was done and my baby was in bed for the night I sat down to load up all the pictures and edit them. I got to the pictures Matt snapped of Jace and me. I couldn't stop myself. I flipped through deleting everyone of them that I was in or somehow cropping myself out. All I could think was, "If I don't get this figured out soon my son won't have any pictures of me and him together as a baby." When I look at him I know that he won't remember these days. I have a limited time span to figure all these food and weight issues before his long term memory kicks in.

In my first entry I had written about how I wanted to be healthy for Jace and teach him how to be healthy. I remembered this today as Jace was laying next to the bright red case of Christmas coke staring at it. I don't want him to even know what the stuff in that case tastes like. He had such a rough beginning to life and now that he's healthy I want him to stay that way! There's something oddly comforting about that fat Santa on the coke cans or the red and white snowflake cups at Starbucks. I wish that feeling had a name. For today we'll call them the fuzzies. My struggle with weight is that those "fuzzies" are a comfort in an uncertain, harsh and scary world.

The past two and a half years have been VERY rough for Matt and I. The best thing that happened to us was coming to EastLake. I was a lot thinner 3 years ago, about 60lbs thinner to be exact! The problem is that through all our hardships food brought the temporary "fuzzy" feeling that got me through but now it has bit me in the butt. I thought it was helping me get my mind off things and now I have an even bigger problem.

Along with exercising I have to learn that food, even though it makes me comforted temporarily, will make me even more miserable in the end. I read something today I thought I would share:

The Problem: You've designed your lifestyle around food and make it one of your top priorities.

The Answer: Change your lifestyle to include activities that don't revolve around food. Exercise, for example, is one way to get a similar high as you would from eating sugar.

Now, I'm not sure that exercise will give me the same high as sugar, not right now at least, but we'll see in the long term. I end today with a quote from the world's greatest visionary, dreamer, optimist and doer, Walt Disney. He says: "All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them." This is my dream, To be healthy and happy on the inside and out.



Happy Holidays!