Entry One: Why did God design us to eat?

Why did God design us to eat? I mean, lots of things run on energy. For example, toys run on batteries, cars run on gas and my Mac runs on the electric provided by the electric company. What do all these things have in common? They can function at full power without having to consume any calories. They don't have to worry about calories in OR out! Why couldn't God design us to be recharged by the sun or by holding hands with the person you love? I have come to the conclusion that this will be my biggest struggle in may weight loss adventure.

As I sit here typing I have 4 loaves of pumpkin bread in the oven and a new case of regular Coke sitting on the floor. Ok, 3 of the loaves are for other people and the fourth is for Matt but either way you slice it, I love food! I have always loved food! When you're little you think about what you want to be when you grow up. Some kids want to be a teacher, a doctor,or a police officer. I wanted to be a chef! I wanted to work on the Disney Cruise preparing food, traveling and meeting all kinds of new people. That didn't work out for a number of reasons. I guess life happened while I was making plans for it.

Growing up my family wasn't exactly health conscious but boy, my mom could cook! My Dad too! He was famous for his biscuits and gravy! I never learned about portion control either. We just ate till we were full. Thanksgiving was the best! We would go to Indiana every year and get together with all my great aunts and uncles. They came from the old southern cooking school where everything was made from scratch. One word, UNREAL! We would cook all day then have a huge dinner every night complete with chocolate pies, donuts and cookies. After we ate dinner we would hang around the table and talk which only lead to more eating as our stomachs would gradually shrink to a normal size and we could pack it in again. Those were the best memories I have of growing up.

So, on this adventure I'm learning that food and portion control will be my biggest battle. There is a very strong emotional attachment to comfort food. I suppose that is why we call it comfort food. It reminds of home and happy times. I want to help me and my new family attach home and happy times to healthy foods. By accomplishing this for myself I will experience happier times ahead as I accomplish my goal... being happy to be me.

Here we go...

As I write this all I can think about is, "Why in the world would someone publicly write about their weight struggles for all the world to read about?!" Considering the chances that anyone is actually going to read this helps! Here goes my attempt at cheap therapy and hopefully success by humiliation.

I've struggled with my weight since I was about 10 years old. One day, around that age, my family announced we were headed to Disney World for vacation that year! I was so excited! Sure, I had been there before but I was too little to remember. I was always a goofy, super talkative, outgoing kid (contrary to the person most of you know now). I came into the living room one night, high on excitement, and grabbed my belly shaking it. Jokingly I said, "I have to lose all this weight before I go to Disney World!" I wholeheartedly expected my parents to laugh! Instead the room was kinda quite. I was confused. My Dad looked at me and said, "Wow, Crystal."

Now, it wasn't my Dad's fault, it was just the first time I guessed we all realized I wasn't a scrawny elementary kid anymore. From that day forward I never felt complete again. I remember going back to my room that night feeling confused, feeling different. I was sad. I remember thinking, "I'm a kid! I can't have weight problems."

Also around that time I was taken out of public school. I was "too talkative" my teachers always said. They wanted to put me on meds but my mom said no, she would teach me. There began my homeschooling years. Now I was alone all the time. Schooling took, at max, 4 hours a day which left me by myself. I had lost touch with most of my friends and my next sister was 7 years younger than me. I was left alone with my thoughts that slowly became depressing and sad as all I could do was think about how fat and hopeless I was. I would never be beautiful like the girls on TV.

It didn't help that I hated exercising! My idea of working out was hitting some softballs and then driving the golf cart around to pick them up! Even more than that though I hated eating healthy food! Growing up I spent alot of time with my grandparents. They were the best! We had fried apples, fried potatoes, brown sugar glazed carrots, coffee with TONS of cream and sugar, I'm sure you get the point. They weren't a good influence being from the south. Basically, if you handed them a healthy food they found a way to turn into a heart attack.

There was one good time weight wise growing up that I remember. I was 17 and the church's Junior Senior Banquet was coming up. It's a prom alternative when the youth group kids get dressed up and go to dinner then to six flags the next day. I REALLY liked this one guy that I wanted to go to Banquet with. I decided to ask him. I sent a pizza (go figure) to his work with JR/SR spelled in pepperoni and that night I filled his car with balloons that he had to pop that had a riddle with me asking him to banquet in it. I was so nervous all night! He called me after church and said he would go with me! I was so excited! I went out and bought a beautiful dress with all the matching jewelry! I couldn't wait! 2 weeks before the big night he called at 11PM and told me he wasn't going and that he doesn't even like the banquet.

I had never felt so sad and embarrassed in my life! This began a new phase in my teenage years. I couldn't eat and the only way I could deal with the rejection was to keep my mind off of it. So I began exercising 3 hours a day. I also started tanning to give me a reason to get out of the house. In one month I had lost 30 pounds. I had also started taking an ephedrine supplement that is now illegal. In 6 weeks I had gone from 150lbs to 126lbs. I was tanned and I had whitened my teeth. I was looking very nice and hadn't even realized. I knew I had lost weight. I felt like I was finally the size "everyone" thought I should be. I remember thinking to myself though that my insides didn't feel any different. Still, I felt pretty good about myself.

I was still angry at men in general for what my crush did to me when who walks into my life? My husband to be! I did NOT like him when I first saw him. He walked to close and talked mean to the kids. Only to find out he wanted to talk to me and he knew the kids and was playing around with them. He ended up being amazing and 4 years, one Beagle and one baby later we are still loving each other, most of the time!

Matt has always accepted me at any size but I feel that he got gypped! I'm not the person I used to be in many ways, some good, some bad. All the bad reasons revolve around my discontent of my weight. I feel I could be such a better wife if I could just feel comfortable in my skin. Not only do I want be a better wife but I want to be a good example to my son and set him on a path to a life time of good self esteem.

Above all I just want to feel comfortable in my skin. I want to be to able to feel comfortable sitting in a room full of people not worried about how my clothes are hanging on me or if anything is bulging awkwardly. I want to be able to hug people without feeling like I'm going to swallow them in my fat! Eww, that's a gross picture! I want to be around for my son as long as possible and have all the energy I need to keep up with him as he grows.

So, here we go. Over the next year I am on a mission to lose weight in healthy and permanent way. I am supposed to lose a minimum of 50 pounds and max of 90 according to my doctor. I am going to blog about my struggles and successes in this battle hoping to accomplish my life long dream... being happy to be me.