ENTRY 6: Nothing to do with weight.

This entry has nothing to do with weight. It has everything to do with my life though. My life has forever changed. The world is a little more empty than it was when I went to bed last night. My grandfather has left us.

My grandfather was one of my favorite people growing up. Why? Because he never told me no. One of my second favorite people growing up, my dad. Why? Because he also rarely told me no. I've never liked that word and, I still loath it! As a matter of fact I once told my mom, who did tell me no, "Don't say me no!"

I was the first grandchild on my Dad's side. I pretty much got away with anything. Ok, I did get away with anything. Most of my memories of my grandpa revolve around food. Every Thanksgiving grandpa made brown sugar glazed carrots which I now make every Thanksgiving. He taught me how to cook them. We would stop at Cracker Barrel every time we headed out to the camp grounds and once we got there we cook around the campfire. My number one favorite memory of my grandpa was his cheese sandwiches. This was the recipe:

White Bread
Miracle Whip - but never scrape the leftover Miracle Whip off the knife on to the rim of the container!!
Lettuce from the special green Tupperware container
American Cheese from the Deli counter
*Dad always made sure to triangle the sandwich and put the chips in the middle of the two halves.

One bag of Regular Lays

One Can of Coca Cola

It doesn't count if you don't follow the recipe exactly! This is and will always be my go to comfort!!

There is a famous and slightly over used phrase that says, "You don't know what you got till it's gone." I always knew I loved my grandpa but I'm not sure I knew how much until now. Grandpa is the first dear person in my life that I have lost. No, I didn't call him everyday and I didn't get to see him much since I moved to Seattle but I always knew he was there. I knew that if I called he would answer the phone. I knew that any time there was a family function he would be there to support me. He even came to my baby shower this summer when I came back to Chicago. Now that security is gone. I know that when I go to Grandma's he will not be there to answer the door and he will not be there to walk me out to the door. My grandpa was a man of few words. Most of the time I just liked to sit by him.

This week I watched how being strong willed can be a double edged sword. It got grandpa where he was in life by never giving up through his trials but I also watched he fought death and refused to get up. Just yesterday he tried get out of bed. He could barely talk but as he pulled his cancer ridden body up off the bed he said, "I need to get out of here. I want to go home." He couldn't have walked if he tried. It was terrible to watch because you knew that in his mind he was still 25 and had so much he wanted to live to see but his poor body just couldn't keep going anymore. It had done all it could and was checking out. I watched as death overwhelmed and consumed a the body of a person who did not want to go. Death is an ugly thing that doesn't care about your race, gender or religion. It is merciless and heartless.

I've heard people around me say a lot that, "He's happy now. He's not in pain. He's gone to a better place where you'll see him again." I think that people say that to medicate the pain they feel. If we were all honest with ourselves we don't know what REALLY happens after death. If we all knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was a Heaven and we were going there no one would be afraid of death. There would be no need for faith. Faith is simply belief that is not based on proof. My Grandpa loved God and I know for a fact that if there is definitely a Heaven after death that Grandpa IS there. I hurt for grandpa because I know he was scared. He always struggled with his faith. He believed in God but he wasn't sure God believed in him.

I struggle with Grandpas death because I know he fought it out of fear and sadness. Had he felt complete and happy looking back on his life I would probably be ok but I will always remember his death as restless. I know they say time heals and I hope that's true as we learn to live with a new sense of "normal".



Dad and Grandpa